Beyond sadness

by Jo-ann Y.

I don’t remember many details of my early childhood, before I turned five. Just a sense of sadness about those years – a sadness that I didn’t want.

My biological father was a gambler and many times our furniture or our car were lost in a bet. When I was three- my brother only five months old- my father left us and didn’t return. My mother had little choice but to look for work. My grandmother came to take care of us, but a few months later she was hospitalized.

I went to live with my mother’s younger sister, my brother with her eldest. My aunt’s husband was an alcoholic and very unpredictable. My aunt had four children and little time for me. I was scared and learned not to open my mouth. Luckily, several months later, I was reunited with my mother, grandmother and brother. My mother eventually remarried when I was thirteen.

In high school, I was withdrawn and my grades began to drop. My teachers were concerned, but we moved and I finished my final year of high school at a new school and then went to college. For the first time in my life, I was painfully aware of hating myself, of thinking I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. I wasn’t sleeping and I couldn’t concentrate on anything but these terrible feelings and how lonely I was. My grades started failing and I lost interest in college.

One of my instructors encouraged me to see a counsellor, but nothing was wrong and most people feel this way, don’t they? I dropped out of college just before Christmas with the intention off finding a job, but in January, I was hospitalized. After a battery of tests and chats with doctors, it was confirmed that I was clinically depressed and had been for many years. I was to be discharged in late January, but the psychiatrist recommended that I remain at the hospital for the next two months until I turned 18 (the legal age). I had no money and no where to go.

After many struggles, I went back to college. I was married and divorced by the age of 22, had many relapses of my depression and had developed an alcohol dependency. My "friends" were drug and alcohol users looking for a way to cope and withdraw, like me. During most of my twenties I lived alone, worked hard and studied hard. I was a model employee and student, but I did not receive promotions or better jobs because I was too shy and withdrawn.

One day, while travelling on the Metro (city train), I overheard two young men trying to define the soul. Both were laughing and challenging the other on interpretations of the Bible. They were so happy; amiably and lovingly arguing their opinions. It was the first time in my life that I heard Jesus referred to as "awesome" rather than His name used as a curse.

I couldn’t stop thinking about that. I visited a few churches during the following months because I wanted to believe in God and Jesus, but I was confused about which church to go to. As a child, church to me was a place that we went on Sunday morning. As an adult, I was searching for something I didn’t even quite understand.

By this time I had completed my university degree and was working. I had married again and was expecting a baby. But my husband didn’t want any children and had tried to convince me to have an abortion. In the end, I deferred to his judgement and agreed to meet with a "counsellor" at the hospital’s Pregnancy Termination Unit. The tension between my husband and I was unbearable, so one day I went for a walk.

As much as I tried, I couldn’t suppress the agony I felt that the good person I had worked hard to become over the past few years could be so easily manipulated. I sat down on a stump close to the walking path and asked myself, "Why do you continue to do things that are wrong?" I began crying again and, not worried whether anyone heard, I said aloud, "I really wish there was a God because I really need His help because I can’t do this." I wept some more, and I said, "Jesus, what am I supposed to do?"

The woods became unusually quiet - no sounds of the city traffic, no birds chirping, no chipmunks scurrying through the underbrush. I sensed I was being watched, not in the creepy way that makes you afraid, but more like a presence that made me feel safe and calm. I turned around but saw no one. I wasn’t afraid. My thoughts became so clear then. It was so simple!

Don’t go.

I felt such relief, that someone had literally reached inside me and taken out all the years of suffering.

For the first time in my life I felt calm and knew in my heart that everything would be fine with Jesus on my side. The feelings of being on the verge of crying that I lived with day after day for my entire life left me then and I felt so wonderful. Jesus did for me in one second what years of alcohol and drugs could never do.

That night I dreamt about a woman with jet black hair who was standing over me as I lay on a bed. She was smiling and placed a baby in my arms. "Here’s your beautiful little girl," she said, and I took the baby. "Her name is Kate," I replied. The next morning, instead of attending the Pregnancy Termination Unit, I contacted a midwife organization and made an appointment. On May 20, 1991, my daughter Katherine (Kate) was born. Christine, my midwife, had died her hair jet black the week before Kate was born.

It has not been an easy journey, but as Jesus has warmed my heart, happier memories have surfaced. Now I can look back on the events of my life with clarity of mind, sympathy and forgiveness.

What about you? Are you struggling with a sadness that never seems to end? Are you searching for something to take away the pain? It doesn’t have to be that way.

God wants to be our leverage in living, empowering us to feel better about ourselves, more excited about our future, more grateful for those we love and more enthusiastic about our faith.

If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, God has given you His Holy Spirit to help you live life according to His perfect plan. Why not pray this simple prayer and by faith invite Him to fill you with His Spirit:

Dear Father, I need you. I acknowledge that I have sinned against you by directing my own life. I thank You that You have forgiven my sins through Christ’s death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled, and as You promised in Your Word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank You for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit. Amen.

 

 

 

 

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A cross on the moon
How I Got a Life